Where To Begin

6 October 2009
Dear Ronelle

I am not sure how to tell you this. So I am just going to say it. I am thinking of adopting a baby. There are still many considerations, and we have not finally decided to go ahead.

But it is something that I have always wanted to do. We do not want to have any more biological children, no need to contribute to the problem of overpopulation. But we would like to have another child and there are so many children who do not have a family. And parenting is something we love and enjoy and are seemingly doing well at. I have already enquired about the process and the cost. It will be ideal as I do not have to work while we are expats here in [this country]. The paper work takes long, about a year, the same as in South Africa. We won't be able to adopt in SA right now, as we are not currently resident there. So, it's going to have to be here. Ironic, isn't it? You know how I felt about coming here two years ago. If all goes well, we should be able to have a child in foster care by about July/August next year. Then, after 3-6 months there will be an official adoption in court.

So, yes. There you have it.

About Henry. He is hesitant. He fears that he won't love the baby as much as he loves Annie and Harry. He argues that it is anti-evolusionary, to raise a child with different genes. He does not have the energy for a third baby. He says he longs for time alone with me. I, of course, think that another baby of about Harry's age won't really change our current lifestyle.

My concerns are:
1. Annie and Harry. How will this affect them? My hope is that this will be a positive thing for them. I have such a good relationship with both of them. As you know I consider myself an "attached parent". And I feel comfortable to bring a new sibling into the household. Harry should be about 30 months or so when we get the baby, so the gap won't be too close. It will most probably be a little girl of about a year, so the two of them would be able to play together. It will of course be a black baby, and that will bring unique challenges for them. Experiencing racism and prejudice will be one of the challenges. It will also bring unique opportunities. As one white sibling in a transracial family said: I learned how to be more sensitive to and less threatened by differences than most people I know. I want my children to grow up to be compassionate, open-minded, tolerant, interesting people. But they don't need to have a black sibling in order for them to achieve that. So, this asks for careful consideration.
2. Henry. Will he be able to love the baby as much as our biological children? Will I?
3. The baby. The health of the baby. I would want the baby to be physically healthy. And 'transracial adoption brings up many issues of race and identity, and a focus on education and awareness – not simply pretending every family member is of the same race – will help transracial adoptees grow up confident in their non-traditional roles. Parents are rarely able to comprehend the extent of their children’s racial experiences. Parents often worry about how to deal with their children facing racism that they cannot understand'.
4. Finances. Another child will mean extra school fees, airoplane tickets, clothes, etc. But, as you know, it is not important for me to dress the children in designer clothes.

Another advantage of adopting here is that it will be a child from [this country]. This is such a wonderful culture. Such friendly, beautiful people. Adopting a South African child, would have brought its share of baggage. Image the child learning the history of apartheid and realising that it was 'war' between black and white, between our white, and her black ancestors. I am sure we will be able to handle that, after all, we are different, liberal, open-minded, etc. etc. But some of "my people", the Afrikaners, my grandparents, parents, even friends, have not changed with the times. So, I do think her coming from a different country will make it easier for her. This country is perfect. I have fallen for it in a big way. Annie is learning Swahili at school, our house is filled with Swahili furniture, and I plan on doing an extensive Swahili language and culture course early next year.

There are many reasons for us to adopt a child, but it can be simplified to "a baby gets a family, we get a baby". Adopting a child just fits with who we are, our values and our philosophy on life.

Let me know what you think. You know I value your opinion.

Regards
Emma